Due to the sheer size of this tournament, the first round has to be broken up into two sections. The following matches will be posted next week.
Ah, yes. It’s time to settle what thousands of years of wars and blood soaked disputes couldn’t, right here on Thanksdrinking. We’re going to decide which religion is the ultimate true and right belief system. The religions have been seeded and matched up and will be choosing delegates of their ethos to compete for the chance to move onto the ultimate battle royale. The catch? The competitions are going to be events chosen at random to help level the playing field. Over the next few weeks, the religions will be whittled down until only one is left standing that will become the official religion of planet earth. Are we mere weeks away from all being Quakers? I don’t know. Nobody does. That’s the exciting part.
I know I’m psyched at the chance to be a quaker.
Just in case you want to read up on the competitors, here’s the links to their background info:
Catholics - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CatholicismIslam - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IslamJudaism - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JudaismHinduism - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HinduismBuddhism - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BuddhismPentacostal - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PentacostalRastafari - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/RastafariTaoists - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TaoistsSatanists - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SatanistsNihilists - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NihilismWiccans - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WiccaScientology - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ScientologyQuakers - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QuakersGreek Mythology - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_MythologyHeaven’s Gate - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heaven%27s_Gate_%28religious_group%29Jehovah’s Witness - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jehovah%27s_Witness MATCH ONE: (1) CATHOLICS vs. (16) JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES The Game: Building an ice cream sundae
In the first match of the tournament, it’s the prince and the pope-r (yikes, already?). The Catholics gained the first seed not due to values or membership worldwide, but simply because they proclaimed themselves to be and refused to consider any other option. The Jehovah’s Witnesses squeaked in as the tournament’s last seed, narrowly edging out the Episcopalians, the Huguenots, and Jonestown, then almost didn’t make it to the tournament in time due to traveling door to door.
The Catholics are represented by the Pope, looking confident in his freshly starched hat. Upon being asked how he keeps his robes so white and fresh, he ominously said “Holy Semen” and waddled away.
He’ll face off against the underdog, performing artist, Prince. Now, I know what you’re all thinking – “I thought Prince was a Seventh Day Adventist”. He used to be, but he converted, possibly upon hearing the news that the Seventh Day Adventists didn’t qualify for the tournament. But the Joho’s are happy to have him on their side. The pope, meanwhile, has already condemned ice cream, not for its sinful amounts of sugar or hand in making millions of people obese, but for being pro-choice.
Prince, donned in an indigo crushed velvet suit that makes him only look partially gay, feverishly launches into sundae making mode. He starts by throwing a scoop of pistachio, a scoop of strawberry, a scoop of chocolate, and a scoop of bubble gum into a bowl, all while making faint grunts and moans. He then begins to squeeze a bottle of chocolate sauce in a swirling motion over the colorful consortium of cream before then tilting the bottle back over himself, sending a wave of sauce down the front of his suit.
The pope picks up a scoop of vanilla ice cream and places it in the dish before crossing it with his hand. “Blessed is the cream in my bowl,” he mumbles.
“That’s it?” a spectator says, “One scoop of vanilla ice cream?”
“My child,” the pope responds, “Because you have gone against the papal dessert, you are going to hell…sucks to be you.”
“Hey pope, I thought sundaes were for rest!” another guy yells, but before he can laugh at his own joke, the pope has thrown his holy staff javelin style across the room, piercing the man through the chest.
Prince has added sprinkles, bananas, cherries, a raspberry beret, and a generous dose of hairspray to his concoction. In a high-pitched squeak he says, “Bad sundaes don’t go to hell; they are annihilated from the earth”. Before the bewildered crowd can react, Prince straddles his sundae and begins wildly humping it, splattering ice cream everywhere. With bubble gum ice cream and chocolate sauce smeared all over the crotch of his skin tight velvet pants, Prince whispers, “This is what we think of the Holy Ghost.”
Before the judges can declare Prince’s colorful splatter of sugar and ice the winner, the Pope declares “all other ice cream’s besides vanilla to be evil and wrong.”
“Are you sure?” asks one of the judges. “What if we see it differently?”
“That’s never stopped us before,” responds the Pope. The judges shrug and award the VICTORY to the CATHOLICS. The Pope then takes the opportunity to also cast down a handful of glands, two brand new sexual positions, rodeos, Jake Gyllenhaal, and the 1989 line of Buick station wagons as sinful and hellbound.
MATCH TWO: (9) SATANISTS vs. (8) TAOISTS The Game: Winning a dating game show
The Satanists have chosen Marilyn Manson to be the face of their team, which will help improve their appeal with, well, no one. The Satanists are kinda like the Yankees, except if the Yankees never won anything. Nobody can agree on who they like, but they can all agree that they don’t like the Satanists. Maybe people are just close-minded. Maybe people just don’t feel comfortable around people who do blood sacrifices. Who knows?
Their opponents – the Taoists. Often overshadowed by their eastern counterparts, Buddhism and Hinduism, the Taoists have quietly thrived and built themselves a following. Their following of “The Way” and mission live a balanced life has helped the Taoists log the 8th seed. The winner will go on to face that juggernaut of ecclesiastical doctrine, Catholicism. The Taoists will be represented by noted film star and ass-kicker, Bruce Lee.
Helping us in this match up will be the lovely Mindy. Mindy is a 26 year old cosmetics salesperson from Skokie, Illinois. She loves baseball, movies, and hanging out with friends. She hates margarine and rainy days. These two gentlemen will be representing their religions as they compete for Miss Mindy’s affections, and whoever she selects will not only get a date with her, but move on to the next round.
Mindy: Okay. Bachelor number one, what’s the most evil thing you have ever done?
Marilyn Manson: Uh, that is a common misconception about myself and my fellow worshipers of Satan; we do not view him as an evil entity, but rather a representative of alternative morals and individ…
Mindy: Boring. Bachelor number two?
Bruce Lee: I once break man’s sternum with single punch from one inch away.
Mindy: Ooh, I like a man who can protect me. Okay, bachelor number one, would you try and kiss me on a first date?
MM: As a tenant of faith, I would not be so forward unless you were to give a direct mating signal. That, and at this point, I’m not even sure what gender or sexual orientation I am. So I guess I’d have to play it by ear.
Mindy: Ehhh. Bachelor number two?
BL: I take your heart like a dragon and devour all those who block my path.
Mindy: Ooooh woooo woooo, good answer.
MM: That has nothing to do with Taoism or anything…
BL: Quiet, or I snap you in two. You ugliest woman I ever meet…bitch.
Mindy: Boys, boys, settle down. Not that I mind having two men fight over me, tee hee. Bachelor number one, what is your idea of the perfect date?
MM: Fine, I know what you’re trying to get out of me, so here it is…I would steal your soul and take you to the bowels of Hell where we would dance with demons and drink the blood of the…
Mindy: Ew, I hate places that are hot and humid, too sticky for me. Bachelor number two?
BL: You watch me beat shit out of one hundred chumps, then find perfect balance in nature as one in bedroom.
Mindy: OH, Bachelor Number Two! You are BAD! I’ve made my decision. I choose…Bachelor Number Two.
MM: This is bullshit.
Mindy: Come over here, baby.
BL (to Marilyn): Cry about it, emo.
MM: That doesn’t even make sense.
BL: (spits on Marilyn’s face, walks over, violently makes out with Mindy)
VICTORY: TAOISTS
MATCH THREE: (5) BUDDHISTS vs. (12) SCIENTOLOGISTS
Game: Achieving Enlightenment
The Buddhists enter the tournament as Far Eastern Hemisphere runner ups for the past fifteen centuries to the powerful Hindus. Trying to improve their chances in applying their eight fold path to the entire world, they’ve selected the charismatic Zen master himself, Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson to represent them. Jackson’s combination of self-meditation and triangle trap defense will make him a formindable opponent for anyone in this tournament.
They’ll be facing those wacky Scientologists led by none other than actor Tom Cruise. Cruise is the logical choice to represent them seeing as he paved the way into mainstream culture for other filthy rich people to be ridiculously crazy in public. Not only is this a religion that focuses on high beings from other planets aka aliens living in volcanoes here on Earth and all humans being different levels of creature, but it was founded by a god damn science fiction novelist. Come on. That’s like wearing Magic Johnson brand condoms. What part of a religion being invented by a science fiction author would lead you to believe that it is a good idea to base your life on it? Crazy or not, if Tom Cruise can power his way through, we’re all going to be talking about past lives and waiting for the mothership to return.
Phil Jackson starts by sitting Indian style with his hands extended out. He closes his eyes and begins to hum. He very well may be on his way to enlightenment. Tom Cruise, on the other hand, has rigged an antenna to an aluminum foil helmet to channel alien life forms. Failing to pick up on anything, he climbs into a helicopter and takes off to somewhere.
Jackson appears to actually be levitating! Has he attained a higher state of being? No. Further inspection shows that he’s actually just propped himself up on the stacks of cash he’s accumulated over the years. “Money may not bring spiritual enlightenment, but it sure as hell makes me happy,” he reasons. Can we get a judges ruling? Doesn’t matter – Tom Cruise has just flown his helicopter into an active volcano and been subsequently immolated, giving the VICTORY to the BUDDHISTS.next week, the last five matches of the first round. Until then, stay tuggled.
[...] Dominic Rosegarden wrote an interesting post today on RELIGION RUMBLE: PART ONEHere’s a quick excerptCatholics - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CatholicismIslam - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IslamJudaism - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JudaismHinduism - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HinduismBuddhism … [...]
Wikipedia » RELIGION RUMBLE: PART ONE
May 17th, 2008