As many people have pointed out, I am somewhat a mysterious person, a mischief making shapeshifter of sorts. Who is Dominic Rosegarden? Is this column really all you do? How did you cover up that rash? I decided this would be the week where I would answer all your frequently asked questions about myself, my life, and the world around us in general. So without further ado…
Dominic, what do you really do for a living?
- Matt Scarsone
Flagstaff, AZ
This can’t possibly be all I do with my life, right? I have to do something to make a living, you’re assuming. Well, you’re wrong. The truth is that my father patented chocolate chip pancakes back in the 1970s and sold it to IHOP. Every time someone orders them, my family gets the royalty check. Whenever their picture is used, we get 10% of advertising costs, and when the advertisement directly leads to consumption of said pancakes, we get double. Some people don’t approve of how we run our business. Some people think that chocolate chip pancakes are the right of every free man.
Well, they’re fucking wrong. It’s a privilege. That’s where I come in. Rough ‘em up a little bit, shake ‘em down. Sometimes this can lead to rough goings ons, stuff you happy pancake eaters may not want to know about. This one time, at the Mr.Pancake Restaurant in Wisconsin Dells, Wisconsin, I had to beat the manager to death with a bottle of maple syrup in front of a children’s birthday party before a waitress named Myrna finally coughed up the dough. On my way out the door, I saw someone eating a stack of pancakes with bananas in them. I had to choke that bitch with my own two hands until she went limp. It’s my job to make my family’s message clear; I don’t care how elderly that woman was: chocolate chip pancakes ain’t nothing to fuck with.
See, told you it was stuff you wouldn’t want to know about. Rough business. But you don’t get into pancakes to make friends. First, you get the pancakes, then you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the women.
The first major article you wrote for this site was a tournament of drunken people. Which one of these people are you, and will there ever be another tournament?
- Edith Winteringham
New Milford, CT
I’m glad you asked. The truth is that I am largely a mix between the 2 AM Drunk Heart to Heart Guy, the Bellegerent Frat Boy, Beer Munchies Man, and when the mood strikes, the “I’m So Drunk, The World is My Toilet” Guy. What this all adds up to is that I am pretty much intolerable to be around. A couple years back I even made a move to have my human liver replaced by a jar of pickles. Why a jar of pickles, you ask? Because those things are impossible to open. It’s like an impregnable fortress of salty cucumbers. It holds the alcohol without allowing it to harm my body until I pull it out and empty it like a dehumidifier up to 4 times a month.
However, this led to some strange complications, ones that doctors to this day cannot explain to me. For one, I have an erection 24/7. Far be it from me to resort to a series of cheap jokes about my pee pee, but it’s true. I walk around with a continuous rodney. It is now to the point where I barely notice it for what it is at all anymore. And you wouldn’t believe this, but it actually makes for an incredibly handy coat hanger and/or hat rack. Other changes include my left forearm sprouting full stocks of barley that have slicked back together intertwined into a sort of fur coat, and I now only have eleven toes, down from fourteen. Oh, and my sperm has completely transformed into drops of Guinness (it’s alive inside).
To quickly answer the other question: yes, there is another tournament in the works that should get started within the next month. This one will be pitting world religions against each other in an effort to decide the one true faith. We’ll have all your favorites, like Catholicism, Judaism, and Islam, as well as some big underdogs like Scientology, Wicca, and Heaven’s Gate. The twist? They’re not just competing through value systems, they’ll be competing at events chosen at random such as ping pong and inventing cool secret handshakes. The prize? Domain over all of this earth. Should be a good time.
Dominic, I was deeply trouble to learn that there is an office called the International Maritime Bureau, whose job it is to track piracy. However, I was more disturbed when I found that they have reported a 10% increase in piracy in 2007, its first increase in the past three years. Where do you stand on this critical issue?
- Christopher Bates
Dunwoody, GA
Mother fucking pirates, man. When I say that pirates are the only thing that gets my goat worse than banana pancakes, you know I’m serious. Here’s the article from the most recent attack:
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8VR6TR80&show_article=1&catnum=0
Normally, I would applaud any attempt at raping the French of their dignity, however not when pirates are involved. I suppose this all goes back to my days as a youth when I had suffered from a traumatic experience. You see, I went to Disney World and there were many actors dressed up as pirates for a performance from Pirates of the Caribbean. Well, one of the actors lured me away from my parents and into a back room at Tomorrowland. I was only six at the time, so I didn’t really understand what was happening, but he told me we were going to play a game. A game for only special friends. He said that it would be our little secret and I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my mommy or my daddy.
Right as he started to reach out to me, a REAL pirate kicked open the door and stabbed the actor in the face with a rusty sword. Killed him dead on the spot. Then the pirate just laughed and said “ARRRR” and was gone. Thanks to that bastard, I’ll never know what fun game the actor had in store for me.
I recently found that it is possible to purchase art that has been painted by animals from a zoo to help benefit wildlife preservation. What kind of value do you place on these “works of art”?
- Loretta McQuigley
Fontaine, IL
Well, my friend, I’ll tell you what. I am all about wiping my own feces on a papyrus shank and exchanging gifts with a panda.
This did get me thinking though. It’s nice to have a backup plan, just in case people suddenly start hating chocolate chip pancakes and the royalties’ money dries up. I saw how successful Brittney the Elephant was (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080407/ap_on_re_us/animal_artists) and it got the gears turning. I’m currently working on teaching my cock how to hold and operate a paint brush somewhat effectively to create work that can be sold at the Porn Convention in Vegas. However, it’s not going so well, that 24 hour erection thing is really making itself a hassle. Consider me another tortured artist.
I went back and read that article about Brittney again and decided out of pure malice that maybe I’ll try my hand at ivory harvesting instead.
I heard you had a baby! Congratulations!
- Sophie Stinson
Spokane, WA
Thanks! It was delicious!
Well I hope I was able to answer all your questions, feel free to write along with new ones. Until next week, stay tug
Leave a Reply