It happens every weekend. Usually it starts around noon on Friday. Your buddy sends you an email with the subject line “Tonight?!?!?” The body of said email is so predictable that you could just recycle the Mad Lib below every weekend:
“Yo _____________
How ____________ slow is the clock moving? I’m sitting in my _____________ just
Expletive Place
watching the seconds tick by, accomplishing _____________. What’s good for tonight?
Noun
I’m thinking we might have to _____________ over to _______________ and pick up
Verb Shitty Local Bar
some _____________. Get at me later, _____________.
Derogatory Word for Women Animal
Peace,
_____________”
Weird Nickname
But what ends up happening? More often than not, you go home alone after dropping $60-$100 on some girl that has a boyfriend in Peru or some shit, and if you do take a girl home, they look like Geena Davis’s character in Beetlejuice when they’re practicing scaring the Deets’ out of their home.
“Wanna get breakfast?”
The bar and club scene is dead, my friend. At this point, most Saturday nights look like a pack of wolves fighting over a single pork rind. All the talent left these places years ago, and men, we’re behind the curve. They haven’t disappeared though. The women are out there. And I am taking it as my duty to help jump start you into the new millennium. Below, I have detailed some places and times to meet those women that otherwise seem to have vanished from the earth that you may not have thought of before. So take some notes, because its time we stop hunting scorpions in the desert with spitballs and start dropping nukes on the wildlife preserve.
9 PM, Eager Monday – Every year, people flood into New Orleans for Mardigras, the final days of debauchery before Lent. Suddenly, plastic beads that could’ve been made at a summer camp become more valuable than the Euro, and there are enough tits to feed all the starving infants in India. But you know what doesn’t get enough play? The Monday after Easter Sunday. For those who don’t know what Easter means, it means that a massive rabbit comes and takes away all the stupid things people sacrificed for lent. That means that the girls who gave up sex and alcohol for 40 some days are free to indulge themselves again. And let’s get one thing clear – you don’t give up sex or alcohol without a reason. These girls are going to be ready to get back on that meat horse. I’m not normally a proponent of going out to a bar on a Monday, but this would a day to reconsider. What kind of pick up line do you even need?
You: “Hey, what’s up?”
Girl: “Not much. I’m a girl who generally enjoys casual sex and making bad decisions influenced by booze. However, I recently gave up all that for over a month for no reason beyond the desire to stop feeling like such a whore. But now I feel better about myself and can rationalize a good night of no-strings-attached sex with a complete stranger.”
You: “So what you’re saying is you would like that drink?”
Girl: “Mmm-mffhmm-bbmmff” (hard to talk when your mouth is getting stuffed with a…anyway. Welcome to Eager Monday)
1:37 PM, Stop and Shop Supermarket – Also known as Cougar Hunting Grounds. All the homemaking mothers on their way to pick up the kids from school will be running their errands before heading over to the school. Especially check out the magazine, fresh produce, and health foods aisles; however I would recommend shying away from the bakery. I’m not sure what it is about grocery stores, but young mothers find the place to be an aphrodisiac. They must put some kind of hormones in the Kashi cereal or the low fat yogurt that makes then say, “you know what? I want to break out of this mid-life, mini-van, soccer mom rut…think I’ll start in aisle 12.”
7:31 PM, St.Aquinas Catholic Church – This only works on the first and third Mondays and Wednesdays of the month, when they host their biweekly Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. What are the pros of this venue? Well, for starters, you know the women are vulnerable, even if that comes with a whole separate bag of issues. But then again, if you already struck out on Eager Monday and down at the supermarket, then you can’t afford to be choosy. This is also the only place I know where “Hey, can I buy you a drink?” will work 100% of the time. They’re used to sharing their feelings because they’re required to at least twice on a weekly basis, and you know these girls can keep with a schedule because their parole officer runs a tight ship in making sure they’re there every week on time. And if you like a girl who can hold her mud, well, needless to say, they can probably throw back more than you or anyone you know. Come to think of it, it’s a miracle any of these girls are still available. They’re just like real live princesses…princesses with cirrhosis of the liver, but princesses all the same. 
10:45 AM, 95th Street Free Clinic – After AA, this place is the next step. The women here pretty non-discriminating in general, so that’s good. And if you go this early in the morning, it’s before the methadone shots have been given out, so you don’t have to worry about the smack heads. The one drawback to going so early is that the afternoon blood work results aren’t back yet, so you might be rolling the dice. This place is especially good if you have a job with benefits because health insurance is worth more to the girls here at this point than even the crack that got them here. There are a couple of other benefits too, such as…um…well if you hate a girl who rakes, a lot of them are missing teeth, so that’s good.
To be honest, this place is kind of a last resort, but when all else fails, you can’t go wrong.
2:00 PM, Your Family Reunion – Ah yes, so it’s come to this. Now I know what you’re thinking, not a chance, right? Not even you’re that desperate? Well, you read past the paragraph about the crackheads up on 95th, so yes, apparently you are. Before you judge, let’s look at the benefits. For one, you will probably know who is available and who’s taken because you were at most of their weddings. Two, you know how your aunt always says how big you’re getting every year and that she doesn’t even recognize you? Well, you could hit up a new cousin every year and get away with it. You don’t have to worry about impressing her parents because they’ve known you for years, and at the wedding, you’ve cut the invites in half, not to mention people can sit on whichever side of the church they want (Has to be in a church though, we don’t want to do anything to ruin this holy union). Come to think of it, this is sounding better and better all the time. The only complications you might run into is how you claim dependants and such on your taxes and go about obtaining that pesky marriage license. But I think we would all agree that is a small sacrifice for the good you’re getting out of the deal.
Before you go running to get on the horn with your second cousin Sophie, just allow me to say your welcome and we’ll see you next week…until then, stay tuggled.
I found your blog on google and read a few of your other posts. I just added you to my Google News Reader. Keep up the good work. Look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Stacey Derbinshire
Stacey Derbinshire
April 7th, 2008