After last week’s article, I heard a sentiment echoed from a number of readers that I was “going to hell”, mostly because of my business plan for Guidos and the fate I damned them too. All I have to say is that the suggestions I made were all VERY chic in Europe in the 1940s, and I know how Americans generally eat up European fashion. Maybe just not this time. I would also like to point out that none of these people actually defended the Guidos, they just thought maybe I was being inappropriate (one person thought that it wasn’t punishment enough and was instantly named my running mate for vice-president).
So it would appear that I’m not one of the favorites for this presidential election. Fair enough. But to say I’m going to hell, well, have you been reading the news this week? There is a LOT of people in line ahead of me. If you’ve been paying attention, many of these should be familiar to you, some may not be (I’ve linked to every article so you know that not even I can make this shit up). You may be thinking that who am I to be judge and jury when I’m no martyr myself. But come on, what fun is life if we’re not constantly judging people and analyzing their faults to deflect from our own? So join me, won’t you, as I become Warden Norton from Shawshank and “cast these people down with the sodomites”.
(Note: if you know me, then you know that Tyler Perry is a given just for being criminally unfunny and the most successful person on earth who doesn’t actually have an audience)
Joshua Maldin
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23798344/
Joshua here is the inspiration for this week’s article. On Wednesday, Josh was sentenced for 25 years in prison for “severely burning his infant daughter when he put her in a microwave and turned it on for up to 20 seconds”. However, before he nuked his two month old, he had punched the baby in the face, and put her in a refrigerator. Uh, what? What meal was he trying to prepare? Did he mistake her for a holiday turkey that needed to be tenderized and chilled before being defrosted? His lawyer obviously tried to claim insanity, to no avail. That’s why I could never be a lawyer. I consider myself a pretty decent problem solver, but if someone walks into my office and goes, “I need you to defend me. I cooked a baby in a microwave,” my response would probably just be a prolonged “fuuuuuckkk”. The weirdest part is at the end of the article – “A trial to terminate Mauldins’ parental rights is scheduled for April”. Soooo the guy has sudden urges to punch babies in the face before baking them and we need a separate trial to decide whether he’s fit to be a parent. Maybe we should give Emeril over here another one just on a trial basis to see if it happens again. America! Fuck Yeah!
I’m not sure what makes me say it, but this guy is definitely a cat person. No dog lover could’ve done this. The most overlooked part is the fact that we all know you can’t put a baby in a microwave – you need an oven or rotisserie grill. Use the microwave and they come out all soggy and undercooked…or maybe those are Weaver brand frozen Dyno-nuggets. I’m always mixing the two.
SENTENCE: HELL
SIN: BABY PUNCHING AND A LACK OF CULINARY INTUITION
GENE R. MORRILL
Gene R. Morrill is already going away to jail for 20 years after the charges that the 57 year old man attempted to solicit a 13 year old boy over the internet. That’s just unnatural. A 57 year old still trying to get it on? You’ll be seeing Gene on Spike’s new show, Totally Awesome Viagra Disasters. However, usually molesters are begat from being molested themselves, and such is the case here. The difference with poor Gene? He claims to have had the sad fate of being sexually abused by Bigfoot. I’m not calling the poor guy a liar, though. Is this the face of a liar?
From Fredricksburg.com – “Morrill told an investigator preparing his pre-sentence report about being sexually assaulted by the legendary Bigfoot…a character said to be between 7 and 10 feet tall, covered in dark brown or reddish hair.” When reached for comment, Big Foot’s attorney, James T. Glaubner stated that “his client was deeply hurt and disturbed by these accusations” and quote, “got so much ass from the grizzlies, he wouldn’t have any need for a small white guy named Gene.”
Okay, so I made that last part up. But I’ll bet you that right now, former LA Lakers center Kurt Rambis is sipping chardonnay, reading this story, and snickering to himself.
The real culprit.
SENTENCE: HELL
SIN: SULLYING BIGFOOT’S GOOD NAME
THE HOUSTON ASTROS
http://sportsbybrooks.com/kaz-matsui-injury-a-pain-in-the-butt-16564
Seriously, can’t you help out your ballplayers? The Astros could’ve just as easily disclosed that second baseman Kaz Matsui had a “bruised tailbone” or a “pulled groin”. But instead, they had to make public the fact that Matsui will miss the beginning of the season due to “anal fissures”. When I first read about this, I said there is no way that’s what it sounds like. Well, it is. The man’s asshole is torn. Nobody needed to know this outside of Kaz and his proctologist. I would NOT want to be him stepping up to the plate in a hostile ballpark against a rival team. Opposing team fans are not going to let this one go.
The real issue here is that one of two things is going to happen. If Kaz is down with the ladies, this is going to KILL his lovelife. Ball player or not, no girl is going to want to go home with the guy with a ripped asshole. If that’s the case, I’m going to take this opportunity to start a public rally cry to save Kaz Matsui’s love life. There has to be one accepting girl out there, right?
However, if Kaz is NOT down with the ladies, I don’t know. I don’t know how that works. Maybe it’ll be a boon and he’ll be in heaven. Maybe that’s a big turn off. I’d say I need more information, but quite honestly, I don’t want any.
Yikes. That might settle it. Thanks a bunch, Houston Astros, for teaching the term “anal fissures”.
SENTENCE: HELL
SIN: RAMPANT REVEALMENT OF RECTAL RIPPING
BAYOU BOB POPPLEWELL
http://www.star-telegram.com/news/story/547378.html
Bayou Bob has been raising rattlesnakes for the past twenty years on his ranch in Texas. But last week, the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (they exist?) confiscated 429 bottles of vodka (and one bottle of tequila) from Popplewell. But it’s what’s in the vodka that made them disturbing. Bayou Bob had selling the vodka with baby rattlesnakes inside, claiming it as an “ancient Asian elixir”. First of all, Asian elixir? Japan and China drink fucking Coke like the rest of us. Maybe it’s from somewhere south, but would you want to drink anything from places like Cambodia, India, or Vietnam? Yeah, me neither.
The only thing I can think of is that this “Asian elixir” is actually merely a “Kaz Matsui elixir”. That would explain the anal fissures. I mean, he is in Houston after all. This makes sense. Apparently he got the idea from a placed called “Snake Alley” in Taiwan, where men drink cheap booze mixed with the gall bladder of a snake to improve eye sight and sexual stamina. “It’s like the ancient version of Viagra.” Asian studies lecturer Camilla Hsieh said (notice how all these stories are starting to overlap?). These are also people who harvest organs from tigers and drink turtle blood. I’ll stick to contact lenses and porn, thanks.
The other problem is that Bayou Bob wasn’t forced to give over the booze because he was giving rattlesnakes in a bottle to people, but because he didn’t have a liquor license. So he could do this if he had the license? This is definitely going to find its way into the New York and Los Angeles nightclubs and lead to the coolest “Paris Hilton-Rattlesnake Vodka” related death I can imagine.
SENTENCE: On the one hand, Heaven, for inadvertently killing Paris, but on the other hand, HELL
SIN: CONTRIBUTING TO THE TEARING OF KAZ MATSUI’S ANUS
THOMAS BEATIE
http://lifeandhealth.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,2268895,00.html
Thomas Beatie lives in Oregon. Thomas Beatie has a beard and a wife. Thomas Beatie is five months pregnant with a baby girl. Beatie apparently recently underwent a sex change from a woman that involved injections and reconstruction of the chest, yet chose to keep the female reproductive organs. Ironically, his/her wife can’t conceive herself, so Beatie stopped the injections long enough to get his/her period back and get knocked up.
So what is it? Is Beatie a man, or a woman? I’m going with a shapeshifting trixter. Even other sex change-ateers are calling these people out because “real men don’t get pregnant”. This is the first time that I’m on board with a transsexual, except for that one time in a truck stop outside Hartford…wait, nevermind. Last time I checked, guys can’t get pregnant. If you have a vagina, you are a girl. The one thing no one can argue against is the fact that pregnancy is God’s way of punishing women for making men watch the movie “Love Actually”. It’s in the Bible. Look it up.
The real person you have to feel for here is the daughter. Even if she grows up relatively unscathed, imagine her bringing home her first boyfriend to find her big old father sitting on the couch crying and saying, “Pardon my dad, he’s just going through menopause.” I’ve been on some bad dates, and I’ve heard shit come out of girl’s mouths that would make Howard Stern blush, but that is one I’ve never heard come up.
SENTENCE: HELL (I know the Catholics will be on board with this one)
SIN: CREATING AN AWKWARD DINNER FOR SOME INNOCENT YOUNG MAN 20 YEARS FROM NOW AT THE HOUSE OF HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND
A few others who should briefly considered: Justin Vonkummer, the Connecticut resident who crashed his car after failing at dunking an Oreo in some milk, that bitch who sat on a toilet for two years and didn’t give a courtesy flush once because her skin formed around the seat, and Robert Lambert and his wife – Robert for beating his wife because she didn’t do a good enough job cleaning the house, and his wife for makin’ him do it (it’s not his fault, he just loves too much).
Feel free to comment on anyone I missed, and of course, until next week, stay tuggled.
well that guy took the baby in the microwave joke a bit to far
Matt Rock
March 29th, 2008