Quick tangent before we get started this week: So I was designing a new beer pong table for my new apartment this week and needed some supplies. I think to myself, I need some wood, sandpaper, paint, paintbrushes, epoxy coating, etc…where can I go to get all of this in one trip? If you’re like me, you thought of Home Depot, or at least would consider that to be a reasonable answer.
I drive to the nearby home improvement Mecca and find everything except the epoxy coating (epoxy coating is the glaze that bars use on their counter tops and tables that is resistant to alcohol and everything else, makes it nice and shiny). So I go and ask the guy, “Where would I find the epoxy coating?” And he says to me, “Oh we don’t have that. You might want to try a hardware store.”
A hardware store. Right. See, I already thought of that myself. That’s why I was at Home Depot. Stupid.
Anyway, here’s this week’s article, a very important journalistic essay on the wonderful lies that we tell our children.
Throughout my childhood, my parents bestowed upon me endless amounts of wise advice and life lessons. Most of it I ignored at the time, and the rest I have forgotten. However, there was one tidbit that I held onto:
“Santa Clause is real.”
Why was this so important to my development and upbringing? Because it’s false, of course. It’s a bold-faced lie that they told me year after year until I realized the crushing truth on my own. And when that happened, they didn’t even say “Oh, you caught us” or “we meant in a spiritual sense he’s real”. No, all my mother said one cold morning in 1994 was, “You know Santa’s not real, right?”
I had figured this out a couple years earlier and just laughed and said, “Yeah.”
“Good. Just making sure.”
No worries, Mom. Lesson learned.
You see, it’s important that we tell these kinds of lies to our children. Our four fathers knew what they were doing. They didn’t have to tell their kids Santa existed, they went out of their way to lie about it, and these lies were passed down through the ages. Why would every preceding generation, our own, and all those after us continue to put up this façade, this dramatic production every December? Because it teaches the most crucial lesson in life:
All your hopes and dreams will eventually be destroyed by the fat, crusty hand of reality.
It teaches them that things that are too good to be true are. There is no Santa. There is no man from the North Pole who drops down the chimney to give you gifts. There are no strangers that like you that much except for maybe weird Mr.Herlihy down the street. We end up applying this to every aspect of our life. That perfect job you want? Doesn’t pay much or will kill your soul. That brand new home? Built on an Indian cemetery. That beautiful girl at the bar? She’s got a dick. A big one. Bigger than yours.
Yes, as long as we are lied to enough as a youngster, nothing should really phase us as we get older and life begins to suffocate our very being. If you’re destroyed as a youngin, you can’t be broken down as an adult. But just in case there are some adults out there who slipped through the cracks and are right now thinking, “Hey, I was never lied to, and I still think life is a giant bowl of gumballs!” I’m here to diffuse the situation and break down every lie that you were told and never figured out from when you were little until now:
False. In reality, Rufus went to live in a poorly dug two foot hole behind the porch while you were at your uncle’s. This whole time you thought he was being overly frisky, well, it turns out dogs can get Parkinsons’s too.
Not with all the war crimes he was a part of in 1940s he’s not. We’re not going to get too specific here, but let’s just say he wasn’t the most popular “camp counselor” in
Not true. Jesus hates Swedes, Taoists, and bus drivers.
Also not true. In fact, this already happened to every girl you’re age. We don’t know why, but you’re very slow developmentally. That’s why Tommy Baker likes Gina Thompson and not you. In fact, your father was getting worried that you were slowly turning into a boy.
Abstinence is not sex at all. Abstinence leads to awkward tension and unchecked aggression. Granted, often times having sex can do this also, but at least then you’re getting off. Even wearing a condom isn’t safe sex. The only truly safe sex is to do your business and then immediately after devour your mate’s head like a female praying mantis. Remember: if they’re head has been eaten, they can’t ask you if you want to catch breakfast the next morning.
Wrong. Abortion in this case is not a woman’s choice – it’s her duty. The real sinner here is the unborn fetus who had to come along and put a damper on what would’ve otherwise been a great night of casual, no-strings-attached sex with a stranger.
Let’s face it, at 18, most of us are not taking a year off to save starving orphans in Thailand or to write an epic novel, and the colleges you want to go to will not be impressed with a 12 month hiatus of working at Pizza Hut and playing video games.
Nahhh. I’ve got friends that smoke marijuana every day without fail, some times multiple times a day, and none of them are addicted.
Let’s check her itinerary for that day:
Translation: She wouldn’t give me any, so I don’t like her. And if you hook up with her, I’ll secretly despise both of you.
Yeah, easy for mom and dad to say. They’ve been in their jobs so long that they no longer wonder whether they’re happy with them or not. They just accept them as a fact of life. Last time I checked, happiness can’t stop the power company from shutting off your electricity.
This is a lie. The truth is that it’s very important to lie to your kids. I think I’ve made my point. In the past ten minutes, I’ve made you a better parent. You’re welcome. Until next week, stay tuggled.
Rufus never did come back to visit…
MattRock
February 28th, 2008
Yes they do.
Offbeat News
March 1st, 2008