By Dominic Rosegarden

Every March, a sensation sweeps the United States known as March Madness. The best college basketball teams in the country are pitted against each other in a series of do or die games while bracket pools are filled out in every office and on every campus, by everyone from professional sports analysts to teenage girls who pick the games based on whether they have a friend at that school or not. In fact, many people who fill out their own bracket don't even care for basketball except for those few short weeks when they can see how good they are at picking something they know nothing about. Why can't this apply to other areas of our lives, ones we know more about?

That's why I am here. That's right, it's time for Drunk Madness.

The setting: Imagine it's your birthday party. All of your friends and their friends are at your house or apartment for the occasion. The beer is flowing. Shots are being poured. Music is blaring. As the night wears on, everyone starts to fall into their drunken persona. You have the one friend that always calls his or her ex and feels like an ass in the morning. You have the friend that always throws a lazy arm around your shoulder at 2 AM to tell you how important you are to them and what a great friend you've always been. We all know these people, and in a lot of cases, we are these people. So what does this have to do with any kind of tournament?

We're going to be pitting these imaginary party guests against each other to see who can last the longest into the night. If the person passes out, they're done. If the person leaves the party, they're done. This will be done in a regular bracket style, meaning one person will be going against one other person and the winner moves on until we have a winner. Every week, we will be doing another round. The bracket looks like this:


Sober 16
1 - The Bellegerent Frat Guy
16 - The Girl Who Talks Shit

9 - Beer Munchies Man
8 - "Let's Do Shots!" Guy

5 - The Jealous Fattie
12 - Girl Who Is Obsessed With Drinking Games

13 - The Nefarious Beer Mooch
4 - "Apparently It's Karaoke Night" Girl

3 - 2 AM Heart to Heart Dude
14 - "I'm So Drunk, The World Is My Toilet" Guy

11 - "I'm Newly Single, Sleep With Me!" Girl
6 - The Horny Rob Deer

7 - The Weird Guy Who Wants To Fight
10 - "Doesn't This Smirnoff Go Well With My Pink Shirt?" Guy

15 - "BWAHHHHHHH!" Girl
2 - 100 lbs of Imminent Disaster Girl


So start doing your research at your local bars and parties, get an office pool together and fill out those brackets. Hell, you can even send me a copy of your brackets and we'll get a prize for the winner. And don't forget to come back here next Friday to find out our first round winners and see who is moving on to the Inebriated Eight!

Labels: Drunk Madness, Sober Sixteen