Oh. Right. There's your answer right there. Good news, they're probably making another Bring It On or Air Bud you could try to get in on.

Bronson Pinchot - Now we're talking. This is a collection I would seriously back the making of, and if I were in charge of a movie distributor company, I would be pushing this rather than that Madea crap. Most of us know Bronson as the great Balki Bartokomous from the sitcom Perfect Strangers, but his talents expand far beyond that. Check out this collection - you get Perfect Strangers, Beverly Hills Cop, Risky Business (where he plays the book keeper for the brothel), True Romance ("I wish someone would come and take me away from here!!!"), the made for TV adaptation of Stephen King's The Langoliers and if that's not enough, he was on a whopping 27 episodes of Step by Step as Jean-Luc Rieupeyroux. I'm not sure what type of character that was, but my guess from the name is some sort of gay pimp or a guy who waxes himself, both roles he was born to play. He even played "Roy" in a movie called "Slappy and The Stinkers". Sounds like a possible all girls porno parody of Josie and the Pussycats or maybe just a kids movie about seals and otters, but either way I'm sure he was dynamite in it. For the love of Pete Rose, he even HOSTED an episode of Saturday Night Live in 1987! How did that even happen? Was Bobcat Goldwaith busy? All this from a man who resembles San Antonio Spurs shooting guard Manu Ginobili. Just one question, baby: Where do I sign up for the Bronson Pinchot Collection?

If there was an Dominic Rosegarden Collection, I'm not sure what it would contain, but it would certainly include a picture of me taking a dump on the Tyler Perry Collection. If anyone has any ideas for a good celebrity collection that hasn't happened that could take precedence over Tyler Perry, feel free to send them to me or comment below. That said, on with the tournament:

MATCH ONE: THE BELLEGERENT FRAT GUY vs. "APPARENTLY, IT'S KARAOKE NIGHT" GIRL

RECAP: The Bellegerent Frat Guy's victims thus far include The Girl Who Talks Shit and "Let's Do Shots" Guy. At this point in the evening, he's downed about eighteen beers, five shots, and may or may not have cracked the rib of some kid he elbowed for no reason. He's screaming, making a mess and challenging strangers to fights. In fact, he's beginning to turn into three or so of the other contestants rolled up into a ball. If this is your house, trying to contain him is nearly impossible. I thought long and hard about what the experience of dealing with him now could be equated to, and here's the best I could come up with: Imagine being a first year elementary school teacher taking the class on a field trip all by yourself. Halfway to your destination, the bus breaks down, and while the driver is outside trying to figure out what's going on, one of your little tyke second graders gets sick and throws up. But these are second graders, so when one kid sees this, he instantly gets sick and throws up too. It sets off a chain reaction of vomit all over your broken down bus. The way that teacher feels is probably the same thing you feel trying to keep the Bellegerent Frat Guy from destroying your house right now. Karaoke Girl, having already vanquished The Jealous Fat Friend and the Nefarious Beer Mooch, is crooning away like Tony Bennett, except it's at a pitch only dogs can hear. Her voice is losing steam and getting more raspy, but it's not stopping her from belting out all her favorite hits. In fact, at this juncture in the evening, she's even singing along to songs she doesn't know. She'll kind of sing the first few lines in a garbled manner, like Helen Keller learning to talk, then stop and blankly stare around the room as if she expects the lyrics to be written on the wall somewhere. Then just before she gives up, the chorus comes on and she tries to yell along with it. Some people are wondering if she has a learning disability. Others wish she would just shut the hell up. Gotta give her credit though, she's probably enjoying herself more than anyone else there.

THE MATCH: It's at this point in the night that the Bellegerent Frat Guy's actions go from dangerous to desperately weird. He starts to steal stuff from your house right in front of you, except the objects are random and of no real value. He grabs a crutch from the closet upstairs that you used when you were like seven before snaring himself a bag of rock salt from the garage. When he thinks your not looking, he goes into your backyard and takes your mother's sundial from the garden. It's like when E.T. collected all those random toys to build a machine that could contact his home planet, except much stupider. Then he steals a gallon of chocolate milk from the fridge and chucks it into the street to watch it explode, mumbling how fucking awesome it is. Beyond that, he's calling one girl "Clamdigger" for no real reason and showing strangers his nipples. He's actually drank to the point where he's lost any semblance of his normal self and won't remember any of this in the morning. It's a case of Dr.Jekyl and Mr.Mel Gibson.
While The Bellegerent Frat Guy is speeding up his weirdness, Karaoke Girl's vocal chords are running on fumes. She's at the point where she's grabbing her friends and mouthing "Oh My God, listen to my voice!" except nothing is coming out. That's what you get for trying to hit the high note on "Don't Stop Believing". Well, if she can't sing, then what's the point of hanging out? Her and her friends leave singing as best they can to each other, wondering what song will be on the radio when they get in the car. I'd make an American Idol joke here, but they've all been beaten to death at this point.

WINNER: THE BELLEGERENT FRAT GUY

MATCH TWO: 2 AM HEART TO HEART DUDE vs. "BWAAAHHHH!" GIRL

RECAP: Is there any doubt 2 AM Heart to Heart Dude is still around? It's not even his prime time yet. He's outlasted the Horny Rob Deer, the Public Urination Guy, and your eardrum with stories about high school or spring break or class or a wake you went to once, who knows. Remember that time we did the Lord's Prayer? That was fucking sick, bro. By now, you and your other friends are subtly, yet actively pushing him onto each other, doing things like "Yeah, that was great, yeah, yep, uh huh, hey here's Fluffer, remember that time you guys went quarry diving?" And he's off while you slip away unnoticed. He may not even remember the story himself, but he's going to convince himself it happened and reminisce about it. He's turning into the old SNL skit The Chris Farley Show.
The "BWAAHHH!" Girl, or "Bwuh" for short, has cried into the semifinals via some impressively soaking wins over the 100 lbs of Imminent Disaster and the Smirnoff Gentleman. Maybe she's crying because they left, but I'm sure you're thanking her at this point, because in each instance, she was the lesser of the two evils. Now she's not only still crying (going on three hours now, threatening a record I set at age sixteen when I watched Littlefoot's mother die in The Land Before Time - too much info?) but she's drunk beyond belief. Her cries are no longer in prolonged and sustained heaves, but more yelps and hiccups, not disimilar from the noises a mother bird makes when feeding its young. Her face is so damp at this point that it's actually beginning to prune. Something's gotta give: either Heart to Heart Dude will run out of stories, or Bwuh's face will swell to the point she resembles Rosie O'Donnell.

THE MATCH: 2 AM Heart to Heart Dude is digging deep, telling stories from preschool to whoever will listen, when he comes across "Bwuh" bawling into a 40 oz of King Cobra (where the fuck did she even get that?) on the couch. Sitting down next to her, he can't find a story in his drunken haze that will definitely bring her out of her fit. He thinks for a moment, and begins. "Remember that time you and I were in science class, and I stuck a frog down your shirt?" She turns to face him, but still is crying in between gulps of the Cobra. "How about the time at Joey Wurtzman's bar mitzvah when that girl peed herself? That was so fucking funny, remember that?" She comes to a halting stop and collects herself enough to get out one sentence. "If I tell you why I'm crying, will you stop talking to me?" Jesus, I liked her better when she was bawling her eyes out. 2 AM Heart to Heart thinks about it, but can't think of anything to say except another story, so he just blinks. She sits back, sighs, and looks at the ceiling. "Well?" you say, because you'd like an answer yourself. She shakes her head, "I don't know. I had a reason when I started, but I just liked the attention and stuff, so I kept doing it." Jesus, she's nothing more than an attention whore. Shit like this makes me not want a daughter to the point where if my first born is a girl, she's getting left on a church doorstep. 2 AM Heart to Heart Dude nods while he mulls it over, then says, "That reminds me of the time Jeremiah Crockett threw rocks at Sophie Ellerby because he liked her and shit, but you know what? He was still the fucking man, and I can't fault a man for expressing himself. Jeremiah rocks, just like you, you fucking rock, and this party rocks, and rocks rock, and I'm just fucking excited right now..."
"BWAHHHH!" (or I guess now it's just Attention Craving Hobag) has had enough, and who can blame her? 2 AM Heart to Heart Dude basically follows her to the door, almost as if he's rubbing his victory in her face. And just like Johnson & Johnson Shampoo, this party has No More Tears (that was lame, I know).
WINNER: 2 AM HEART TO HEART DUDE

Well, there you have it. Come back next week, when the real championship is decided two days before that Super Bowl thing. Early Vegas odds have 2 AM Heart to Heart Dude going off at a 7-1 shot, but anything can happen in the wee hours of a party, like that time in Montreal I had sex with a woman for almost 20 minutes before realizing she was dead... wait a minute, ignore that. That didn't just happen. Oh, and I promise I'll have more pretty pictures and enough similies and metaphors to choke a Burmese python. So tell your friends if you're enjoying the tournament, and if you hate it, then tell your enemies and trick them into looking. Until next week.